


to all the boys I've loved before

by thatpynchbitch



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish Has No Chill, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Falling In Love, I apologize in advance for the gratuitous use of en dashes, M/M, Ronan Lynch Has Feelings, to all the boys i've loved before au!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:48:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,953
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23354194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatpynchbitch/pseuds/thatpynchbitch
Summary: There were four love letters in total. Every time Ronan Lynch had a crush on someone, he wrote it all out in a letter to try to push all his emotions into one place. Those words were him at his most vulnerable, a side of him that he despised letting others see.No one could ever read those letters.
Relationships: Ronan Lynch/Adam Parrish
Comments: 17
Kudos: 66





	1. Chapter 1

There were four love letters in total. Every time Ronan Lynch had a crush on someone, he wrote it all out in a letter to try to push all his emotions into one place. Those words were him at his most vulnerable, a side of him that he despised letting others see. He kept them under his bed in an old tool box that used to belong to his father, and he had bought a lock for it just in case anyone found it. No one could  _ ever _ read those letters.

\---

A week before high school started back up, Declan was flying to England to start university. When Ronan was little, he’d always imagined there would be some grand send off when the Lynch boys went off to college. Maybe Aurora would bake desserts for an at-home going away party. Their father would probably make them a present, something slightly useful but mostly beautiful. He pictured himself hugging Declan, and Declan giving him some wise, older-brother advice before the whole family cried and said goodbye.

Then Ronan grew up, he and Declan stopped being friends, their dad died, and their mom might as well have been dead.

So Declan’s last day went like this: the boys piled into Ronan’s BMW to drive to the airport. Ronan put the car in park for a moment in the drop-off lane so that Declan could give a hug to Matthew and a nod to Ronan, and then they parted ways. Simple.

Declan was gone.

\---   
First day of junior year. If Ronan could grant himself one wish, he’d never have to suffer through another first day of school again.

A boy on a skateboard with his tie done backwards slowed to a stop as he got out of his car. “Lynch! Shocked to see you here by first period.”

Ronan bumped knuckles with Noah and smirked. “Don’t get used to it. First day only.”

They walked to chemistry, which they luckily had together. Unluckily, they also shared it with none other than Tad Carruthers, resident douchebag.

“Hey, Lynch, nice boots,” he teased. “Only you would think to pair khakis with Docs.”

“Fuck off,” Ronan gave him the finger and pushed past him to get to the back row of desks. He couldn’t stand Tad. Ronan was an asshole because he cared too much; Tad was an asshole because he didn’t care at all.

It didn’t help that Tad was somehow dating the most untouchable boy at school, who currently stood slightly behind him, looking uncomfortable at the confrontation. Adam Parrish was the smartest boy at school, and he was even more of a hermit than Ronan. Tad must have done some black magic to get Parrish to go out with  _ him _ .

Truth be told, one of the more embarrassing love letters Ronan wrote was addressed to Adam. Not that they had ever really spoken to each other or anything. But he was never able to rid himself of the memory of Adam’s first day at Aglionby. He was so beautiful that Ronan’s first thought was that he was dreaming, though not even his imagination could conjure up an image like that. As soon as he got home, Ronan started on his letter to Adam. Even thinking about his blue eyes and boyish hands had had Ronan’s heart racing.

All those sappy feelings were in the past though, and Ronan was over him. Honestly. He just thanked God that no one had to read that stupid letter.

\---

On Friday night, Ronan was kicking Matthew’s ass in Mario Kart. “This is unfair,” he whined, “You’re older so you have more experience.”

“Yeah, right, ‘cause I was playing Mario when I was two.” Ronan ruffled his hair playfully. “It’s not my fault you pick the baby carriage every time. You need something with speed.”

Matthew pouted. “But I like the carriage. It’s so cute.”

Ronan gave him a rare smile and hoped his little brother never changed.

As they looked back to the screen and started the next race, Matthew said, “Hey, Ro… how come you never go on dates with anyone?” Ronan stiffened immediately, and he swerved into the grass. “I mean, when Declan was your age, he was always dating  _ someone _ .”

Rolling his eyes, he muttered, “I’d rather date no one than just someone. Declan’s a man-whore.”

In the corner of his eye he saw Matthew shrug. “Still. You’re telling me there isn’t one person you’d want to date?”

Ronan thought of Gansey, who had been by Ronan’s side since they were kids. When he let his thoughts run off in the deep end, he could imagine their transformation from best friends to boyfriends. Not that he often allowed himself the luxury of that fantasy, especially not lately. Gansey had a girlfriend now, and it wasn’t just the two of them anymore, and he had to be an annoying third wheel, and sometimes she took Ronan’s favorite spot on Gansey’s couch, and she was pretty and fierce and everything Gansey wanted. 

Ronan was totally fine with all of it.

“Nope. Definitely not.”

\---

“PE should be banned in high school. It’s disgusting.”

Noah wiped his face with the tail of his shirt while they ran. “I mean, I agree, but I wanna hear your argument.”

“No one should have to see this much teen boy sweat. Not even gay dudes want to see preppy guys trying to work out. It’s unnatural. Besides, what the hell are we supposed to be learning? Who the fuck doesn’t know how to run by now?”

“I think prisoners are required to get an hour of outdoor time every day.”

Ronan grinned at him as they started another lap. “You’ve got the idea.”

“Lynch!” someone called from off the track. “ _ Lynch _ !”

Ronan turned mid stride to see Adam fucking Parrish calling his name. 

“The fuck?”

Noah looked just as lost as he was. They slowed to a stop as Adam walked over to them. Ronan gave him his signature glare. “What do you want, Parrish?” 

“Uh,” he looked at Noah, then back to Ronan. “Can I talk to you alone?”

Ronan started to curse him out when he saw what Adam was holding. A slanted scrawl spelling out  _ Adam Parrish _ , and an unfamiliar address in different handwriting. No fucking way.

Noah must have seen the look on his face because he said, “I’ll just– uh.” He turned and awkwardly jogged away. Ronan could always count on him to play it cool.

“Where did you get that?” he demanded as soon as Noah left.

Adam furrowed his eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

“Where. Did. You. Get. That.”

Adam crossed his arms, undeterred by Ronan’s attitude. “Is this some kind of joke? You literally mailed it to my apartment.”

Ronan didn’t have a comeback, too puzzled to think properly. How the hell did that letter get sent? And if Adam got his, did that mean–?

“Ronan!” He recognized Gansey’s voice in an instant.

“Shit,” he breathed out, eyes wide. Gansey was running over to the track, a similar envelope in hand. This would ruin everything. He’d never be able to face Gansey again. All that pity and awkwardness would wreck their friendship, even though Gansey would inevitably try to pretend he didn’t see Ronan any differently.

Ronan looked around desperately for some magical escape, but all he saw was Adam’s bewildered face.

Without thinking, Ronan grabbed Adam by the neck and pulled him in for a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please let me know what you guys think so far! I have the next chapter written, so it should be up soon.  
> also a tremendous thank you to @the.gangsey on instagram, who saved me from making a terrible mistake in this fic... ily


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Maybe we could make some kind of deal.”  
> “A deal?”

Ronan had one hand wrapped around Adam’s neck and the other around his waist. He figured he would have no idea what to do, but his desperation to keep Gansey from walking over made it surprisingly easy to toss aside his nerves and deepen the kiss.

He was debating whether Gansey would be gone by now when Adam abruptly pulled away, jumping back like he’d been hit. A quick look to the side told Ronan that Gansey had fled. Ronan brought his gaze back to Adam, whose eyes were wide as he softly touched his own lips. “ _ What _ –?”

Ronan realized just now how absurd this must be for Adam and wanted to bang his head against the fence in awkward frustration. “Um, gotta go,” he blurted, turning and running off the track in the opposite direction.

The coach blew his whistle and shouted, “Lynch! Get back here!”

Ronan gave him a shit-eating grin and a polite gesture involving his favorite finger. As he ran away, he tried to ignore the fact that he had just lost his first kiss to someone who didn’t even want it.

\---

When Ronan pulled into his usual parking spot at the end of the school day to pick up Matthew, Gansey was searching the lot until he zeroed in on the BMW and started making his way over.

“Shit,” Ronan mumbled.

Just then, Matthew poked his head through the window and grinned. “Hey, Ro.” There were a couple lax guys messing around behind him. “We’re gonna stay after and get some practice in before tryouts next week. Vincent can drive me home.”

“Great.” Ronan forced a smile. If it were anyone else, he would curse them out for making him show up at school for no reason. But Matthew was Matthew.

“See you at home!” Matthew called, waving as he and his friends headed toward the field.

Ronan checked his mirror and saw that Gansey was almost to the BMW. He muttered a few choice words before putting the car in reverse and hightailing it out of there. Gansey stood alone with a hurt but mostly confused face as the tires squealed away.

\---

Since he was already in town, Ronan decided to head over to Nino’s for something to do. His only other friend was most likely at the skatepark, so he was pretty much out of options. As soon as he sat down at one of the smaller booths, he was harassed by the waitress whom he simultaneously hated and loved.

“ _ Hey _ ,” Blue said, though even the simple greeting sounded like a demand. “I need a word with you.”

Ronan rolled his eyes and groaned. “What now?”

“You sent me a  _ love letter _ ?” She was partly furious and partly amused.

“Oh, God.” Ronan had completely blocked that one out. How the hell were these letters finally getting sent out now? And  _ why _ ?

Blue dropped into the booth and raised an eyebrow. “Are you having a crisis or something? Emotionally charged flashbacks?”

“What? No.” Ronan ran a hand over his face. “I wrote that in middle school. Remember Camp Neptune?”

“Please, how could I forget?” answered Blue. “I mean, the way  _ my ripped jeans were the coolest thing you’d ever seen on a girl _ ? Hot stuff, Lynch.”

“Shut up. Seriously.” Even though he didn’t remember exactly what he wrote, he could tell she was quoting his letter. “I was thirteen and confused. And totally in denial.”

Blue grinned. “Clearly.”

“Look, just don’t tell Gansey about the letter, okay?”

Her eyes narrowed. “Why not?”

“Ugh. You were never even supposed to get it. I just don’t want him to be all… I don’t know. You know him.”

Another waitress walked by and gave Blue a reprimanding look for sitting down and chatting during her shift. She glared back until the girl went away, but then turned to Ronan and said, “I’m not technically on break. Look, I’ll keep your weird letter to myself if you really want me to. You owe me one, though.”

“But–”

“Nope. No ‘but’s.” Blue got up and crossed her arms indignantly. Somehow she managed to appear taller than five feet.

“Fine,” Ronan grunted. “You’re the worst.” Blue smiled and walked away. As she left, Ronan called, “Hey, bring me a milkshake!”  She flipped him off without turning back, but he saw her go into the kitchen to put the order in.

Ronan leaned back in his seat and picked at his bracelets, finally left to himself for a moment of peace.

“Lynch.”  _ Great _ . “This seat taken?”

He looked up to see Adam Parrish before him once again. The yellow lighting in Nino’s surrounded his face, creating a halo of sorts. Ronan shook his head, either to answer Adam’s question or to clear that thought from his head.

It was silent for a few moments before Adam realized that Ronan wasn’t going to do the talking. Adam was the one who tracked him down, after all. “Are you going to explain what happened today?”   
“Huh?”

“I mean, I’m flattered I guess, but I’m not interested. Tad and I  _ just _ broke up, and I don’t even know–”

“Woah, woah,” Ronan interrupted. “You think I want to date you?”

“I–” Adam turned his head around as if checking if he was on a prank show or something. “What? You send me a– a  _ love letter _ , and then you jump me when I try to reject you. What other conclusion am I supposed to draw?”

“First of all, I did not _ jump _ you. It was PG at best.” Adam shot him a look like, ‘ _ that’s  _ what you pick up on? _ ’ _ “Wait, did you just say you and Tad broke up?”

The other boy sighed. “Earlier this week, yeah.”

“Damn, Parrish.”

Adam seemed uncomfortable and straightened his shoulders. “Listen, whether I’m single or not doesn’t mean I’ll just go out with anyone who asks.”

“Parrish, I’m not trying to fucking date you or whatever. I had to kiss you so that someone  _ else _ wouldn’t think I liked  _ them _ .”

“Sure. And the letter?” Adam looked unconvinced.

Ronan groaned, angry at everything in the universe. He just wanted today to be over. “Honestly, I don’t know how that got sent out. I wrote that years ago, when you first came to Aglionby. Believe me. Why the hell would I want something like that out in the world?”

He had a concentrated look on his face as he pondered this. “I suppose the address  _ was _ in a different handwriting than the letter itself…” He furrowed his eyebrows. “You really didn’t send it?”

“God, no.”

Adam seemed to accept this, to Ronan’s surprise. “Okay. You’re going to have to promise not to kiss–” He stopped speaking as Blue arrived with Ronan’s milkshake. She looked between the two of them and raised a suspicious eyebrow. Ronan stretched his leg out from beneath the table to lightly kick her in the shins.

“Who’s this?”

“Just a friend,” Ronan grunted.

“You don’t have other friends,” Blue said knowingly. Ronan wanted to strangle her. “Does Gansey know?”

_ Gansey _ , shit. While trying to sort everything out with Adam, he had almost forgotten the reason for the mess in the first place. That problem was still nowhere closer to being solved. He had to come up with something, quickly.

“I don’t need Gansey to babysit me.” Ronan glared. “Don’t you have tables to take care of?”

She gave him a dirty look strong enough to rival his own before leaving the table.

Ronan turned back to Adam. He chewed on his bracelets subconsciously as he tried to think of a way to explain the idea that just came to him in a way that didn’t make him sound like a total creep. “So you and Carruthers are old news, huh?”

Adam scowled.

“Fuck. Not like that.” Ronan sighed, wishing he was better with words. “I just meant… Do you want to make him jealous?”

“What do you mean?” he asked cautiously.

“Remember how I said I had to convince someone else I didn’t like them?” Adam nodded slowly. “If they realize that that kiss didn’t mean anything, they’re not gonna believe me. And I’m guessing you probably want to make Carruthers mad if you just broke up, so.” He brought his bracelets to his mouth, avoiding Adam’s gaze. “Maybe we could make some kind of deal.”

“A deal?”

“You know. We pretend to date, I get off the hook, you make your ex jealous; everyone wins.”

Adam considered this for a moment. “You seriously would go through all that trouble? Just to make someone think you don’t like them?”

“You don’t understand.” Ronan glared at nothing in particular, simply for the sake of glaring. “If they find out, my life is over.”

A beat of silence passed. “Okay,” Adam said.

“Okay?” Ronan shot his eyes back to the other boy. What did that mean?

“Okay,” he repeated. “I’ll do it.”

“You will?” He tried to hide his interest under a monotone voice.

“Yes.  _ But _ you have to tell me who this mystery person is. Otherwise I won’t believe you.”

Ronan weighed his options and found that he didn’t really have a plan B. It was either this or face Gansey. Rolling his eyes to cover up how much he cared, he muttered, “Gansey.”

Adam’s eyes sparked with interest. “ _ Gansey _ ?”

“Shut up, Parrish. Not so loud."

“Sorry.” After a moment, Adam smirked and said, “I just didn’t really peg that Mr. Perfect vibe as your type.”

“Oh, so you’ve thought about what my type is?” Ronan asked.

It was Adam’s turn to say, “Shut up.” Ronan tried not to take notice of the pink tint to his ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all for the kind comments on the first chapter! <3


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> refer to tag: Adam Parrish Has No Chill

It was the day after Ronan came up with the brilliant plan to fake a relationship with Adam, and he didn’t know where the other boy stood. During first period chemistry, Adam didn’t so much as look at him, which pissed him off. If Adam didn’t want to do this, he should’ve just said so.

At lunch, Ronan was sitting outside, avoiding social interaction and finding new ways to deface his history homework. He had only just begun tearing it into intricate shapes when his headphones were pulled off his ears.

Always ready for a fight, Ronan scowled and turned to see who he had to yell at.

“We need to establish some rules,” Adam said in lieu of a greeting. Already, he was sitting down across from Ronan and pulling out a notebook and pen.

“Rules? Christ, Parrish. Lighten up.”

Adam glared. “Yes, rules. I’m not just going to go along with whatever whims you have. There have to be set goals and boundaries.”

Ronan rolled his eyes dramatically but sat up so he could properly see the notebook. “Okay, Mussolini, what’s the first rule?”

“Well, the whole point of this is for people to see–”

“Not people. Gansey,” Ronan corrected. Then, as an afterthought, “and Tad.”

Adam sighed. “Where on earth will we be hanging out with those two alone, and no one else? If we want them to notice, other people are going to have to see us.” Ronan crossed his arms in petulance but knew he had a point. “Besides, it’ll add more credibility to our story if other people think we’re dating.”

“Okay, fine.” He didn’t like to dwell on the fact that this was all just a story. Ronan Lynch hated liars, yet here he was faking a relationship. How was he any better than the others? He shook his head and pushed the guilt to the back of his head. “No PDA though.”

“You’re impossible!”

“No fucking way. Just because we’re pretending to date doesn’t mean we have to make out and shit.”

Adam put his pen down, exasperated. “Are you even listening to yourself? No one in their right mind is going to believe that we’re dating if I can’t even kiss you. We need evidence.”

“Then we’ll tell them we’re– I don’t know. _ Shy _ .”

He laughed, a rare sight that Ronan wasn’t sure he’d seen before.

“Good luck with that. Ronan Lynch, you are the least shy person to ever walk the halls of Aglionby.”

No, Ronan decided, he definitely would have remembered if he’d seen that laugh.

“Look,” Adam said, returning to serious mode, “it doesn’t have to be excessive or anything. Just– something.”

Ronan didn’t want all his firsts to be an act, but he didn’t know how else to continue. He studied the boy across from him. If Ronan didn’t know better, he would say he almost looked hurt.

“Fine,” he grunted. “ _ Just _ kissing.”

In a rushed scrawl, Adam wrote out  _ Some _ _ kissing. Compromise. _

“Okay. What else?”

Ronan considered. “I drive you to school.”

“What? No. No way.”

“Seriously, Parrish? This is the hill you’re going to die on?”

Adam crossed his arms and straightened his shoulders. “I don’t need you to give me a ride. I’m fine on my own.”

“No decent guy is gonna make his boyfriend bike all the way to school. Just let me drive you. It’s not a big deal.”

Staring at the paper where he wrote  _ compromise _ , Adam had that signature concentrated look on his face as he debated his decision. Ronan didn’t understand why it mattered so much. Ronan had a car; Adam didn’t. Even he could do that kind of math.

“Okay,” he conceded. “You can drive me to school.”

“What an honor,” Ronan said dryly.

They spent the rest of lunch taking turns coming up with rules, starting off seriously but escalating into arbitrary details. Ronan couldn’t interfere with Adam’s study or work. Adam couldn’t complain about Ronan’s driving. Ronan couldn’t play the radio loud enough to deafen. Adam had to look up the Murder Squash Song, because it was an American tragedy that he hadn’t heard it already.

Most importantly, no one could know they were pretending.

\---

At the end of the day, Ronan was leaning against the wall by the bike rack with his arms crossed, glaring as students began to emerge from the school.

Adam started when he saw him. “Lynch. How are you already here?”

He dangled the bathroom pass for his seventh period class in front of Adam’s face, who rolled his eyes knowingly.

“Of course,” he said, and Ronan grinned mischievously. “Look, I already have my bike here. We should just wait until tomorrow to drive together.”

“It’s not a problem. We can put it in the back.”

Adam looked away. “I’m going straight to work. It’ll be easier if I just ride there myself.”

“Fine.” Already Ronan knew better than to push him too far. “But I’ll need your address if I’m gonna pick you up in the morning.”

Just for a moment, Adam seemed unusually abashed at the mention of his address. He reached into his bag and pulled out a pen. “Give me your hand.”

“Huh?”

“You’re impossible.” Adam grabbed Ronan’s arm and pushed the sleeve of his shirt up. With the pen, he scribbled ten digits on the inside of his wrist, right by the pulse. Ronan prayed his heartbeat was steady.

“Here’s my phone number. I can text you my address.”

“Uh– okay.” Ronan failed to start the argument that he hated cell phones.

Adam stepped into his space then, subtly checking that there was a crowd of students around them before wrapping his delicate fingers around Ronan’s tie. “You should probably kiss me goodbye now,” he whispered.

“Right,” Ronan said eloquently. His palms were a little sweaty. He didn’t understand how Adam could fake this with such ease. It was probably because he had so much experience that this didn’t mean anything, unlike Ronan who hadn’t even kissed anyone until yesterday.

Adam raised an eyebrow, like  _ get on with it already _ . Ronan reached up to touch Adam’s cheek before leaning in for a lingering but chaste kiss. Adam tilted closer and braced his arms against Ronan’s chest. Ronan pulled away quickly but tried to make it look natural. He could see curious onlookers out of the corner of his eye, no doubt ready for the latest gossip.

He breathed in through his nose and exhaled against his teeth, putting his rough edges back together. “Bye, Parrish.”

Adam smirked as he headed back to his bike. “Bye, Lynch.”


End file.
